The Thought

I had a thought the other day. Just a little thought, for a moment or so. It was one of those thoughts that just scrape along the sides of your consciousness and you tend to pay no attention to it. But not this thought. Oh no, this thought was different; it had all the qualities that a good thought should have but was somewhat lacking in the aspect of sustenance. Okay, so I had this thought and it was kind of depressing and it just went away. It didn’t go away permanently though. It came back later. It came at one of the worst times possible -in school- and it didn’t go away. I wanted to shout, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to break things. This thought had an effect on me like nothing else did. Twelve hours have passed and the thought does not seem to disappear. It has latched on to my brain like iron to a magnet. Oh how I wish I could control this, life would be so much easier. This thought is making me sadder and sadder as the day is progressing. Nighttime is approaching and I would like this thought to go away. I want to sleep tonight, I got no work done because of this thought and I would at least like to rest my mind and body. But nooooooooo. Why should I be so lucky? This thought made me stay awake through the night and made me witness the light of the morning break through my window. There are things that no one should do and staying awake alone through the night is one of those things. It is sad and only added to my sadness. I got out of my bed at ten A.M. and wandered around the house with no hope, like my soul had been crushed overnight and I had no solace. The thought is still running across my head, by the way. Just as I plan on going out for a while, the phone rings, it’s the hospital down the lane from your house. FUCK. I’M ON MY WAY THERE NOW. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I FEARED. SHIT.
As I see you lying on the hospital bed, unconscious, the past day loops around in my memory. The thought I had. Oh the egregious thought I had. The thought about you lying on a hospital bed, unconscious, slipping away from my life and yours and that of everyone you have ever known. Slowly but surely, it all came true.

The Answer

I look at the grey skies and wonder where the silver lining is. I want it to rain, but I also don’t want it to rain. I want to see the rainbow when the rain ends but I also don’t want to deal with the rain. This continual up and down that people refer to as life, is not actually life. Life should be full of happiness and sunshine, not rain and dry leaves. But I guess every bright day must face the brutal dick of time and succumb to darkness. Sigh, darness, how I fear you. Why must you drain this mortal world of colour and pave way for the demons to come out of people. Sometimes I’m awake at two A.M. and all I have are the demons inside my head and the one lying in my bed; they struggle to come out. I know I must be strong but my body has been stripped off of all energy. I want to sleep, I want to dance, I want to kill someone, I want to get high, I want to play football, I want to let the demons take over and die. Die. Death. Death may spook some people out, but it is all I think about lately. Why do I want to die? Why do I want to leave everything behind and be forgotten? Is it for eternal happiness? Nobody knows what happens when you die, so that’s not the answer. The answer, however, I might never get to know. It might be only because of over thinking, but it feels so real. I’m on a bus with 45 other people, I could talk to anyone and be/have fun, but no, I’m just gonna sit here all depressed and be anti-social. Welcome to my life. This sad life that I have spent searching an answer to and have come to no specific conclusion about it. That is what I do. I search for an answer. And all I want, is an answer to life before I die.